egmon73:

redgreyandpurple:

veronica-rich:

icshly:

starsinursa:

okay, well-written, insanely hot smut scenes in fics are amazing, but where are all my embarrassing, awkward, realistic scenes? gimme like:

– someone getting the world’s worst charlie horse in the middle of sex and their calf cramping so bad that they’re practically crying and screaming, but not in the sexy way, and their partner massages their calf until the muscles finally relax, but they’ve still got a limp like three days later and everyone definitely gives them shit about walking funny

– a blowjob gone wrong and someone getting cum in their hair, or worse, their eye, and it’s only funny for a second because then they have to spend the next fifteen minutes flushing out their eyes, and when they’re done their eyes look like they’ve spent the last hour trapped in a closet with a bong

– someone sitting in the kitchen with a frozen spoon pressed against their neck, trying to get rid of a hickey, half-heartedly bitching about their partner being a damn vampire, and if they have to hear one more joke from a coworker or friend about getting into a fight with a vacuum hose…

– trying to have sex in the front seat of a car and it’s working okay until someone’s ass lands on the car horn and scares the living daylights out of them, and then they have to scramble to drive away because they just blared the horn in a residential neighborhood at 1 a.m. and lights in houses are starting to come on

– trying to have shower sex except water is a terrible lubricant and it keeps washing away the real lubricant, so they finally dig out the good silicone lube and things are going much better until some spills in the bottom of the tub and then they’re slipping around, nearly falling on their asses or cracking their heads

– trying to be sexy and use food in bed, except whipped cream doesn’t actually hold its position, it melts and goes splat on the floor, and chocolate sauce looks kinda gross, and honey is literally the stickiest goddamm substance ever found on god’s green earth

– taking a romantic bath together except, let’s be honest, most tubs are barely big enough for one grown person and definitely not big enough for two, so all the water sloshes out and they’re both sitting in a tub with water barely up to their laps, shivering in the cold bathroom air

– attempting new positions in the middle of sex is adventurous and exciting until they’re trying to rearrange and get into position and someone accidentally gets kneed right in the balls

– nevermind getting walked in on by a friend or a family member, try a very annoyed pet staring accusingly and unblinkingly from the floor because they always sleep on the bed and right now the humans keep pushing them down, but when the humans try to shut them outside the bedroom, they spend the next hour scratching incessantly at the door

I live for fics like this. Give me a awkward sex tag and I will read EVERYTHING

I feel like the Red Dwarf fandom has delivered all this kind of fanfic at some point or other.

I’m dying 😂😂😂😂 I think some of these have the potential to end up in one of my Soft Smut Sunday pieces.

This is how it should be! I would love to read one of those…

Need me some Mystrade fics of this